1. snooty comic book store clerks. Because obviously you are the only person that has ever read comics. ever. That's why there's this store. Just for you, and your vast knowledge. Jerk-off.
2. Bad manners. I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you are over the age of 10 and you still can't wrap your mind around saying please and thank you, then you are just not worth my time. At least phrase your demands as questions, and maybe I'll consider not spilling my water on your sandwich. oops.
3. When I wish you a happy this or a merry that, just friggin say thank you. Don't sigh and commence to put me through a battery of loyalty tests to see how much merriment I really wish you. Because when you're all done, my wishes will be much reduced.
4. Hold the door! If I'm right behind you, at least tap it open with your foot. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize the queen was in town. You uppity b*tch.5. Don't claim that just because you're so many years old, you can't change. That's bullshit. You can change. you can turn off the faucet when you brush your teeth. You can demonstrate some civility. At least start by demonstrating some honesty and confess that you just don't want to change.
6. STOP WITH ALL THE NOSE-PICKING! I know I joke about it from time to time, but I left that behind me in grade school, and so should you! If I see one more person jabbing a pointer up there on my commute, I will hit you with my car. And then the inspection! Do you honestly think you're going to come up with gold? A tissue, at least, is more hygienic.
7. Shake like a man. Enough of the dead fish or the limp wrist. When did the country go all sissy on me? I remember being told before interviews to always give a good, firm shake, as a demonstration that I am someone to be taken seriously. How do you wish to be regarded, Mr. Limp Fish?
Sorry for that, everyone. Tuesday has assaulted me, and I in turn have assaulted you. Maybe I should have said please first.
At least today will end in pizza and celebrations, and likely take a major turn for the awesome.
3 comments:
Ugh. I had one of these days yesterday.
The worst was this gross fat man staring at me while I was in the library with my two year old son.
He actually licked his lips and said, 'Me Likey'.
I'm usually not brave but I spit out, 'Me feel like I'm going to pukey.', which made the librarian laugh.
And then she made me pay my late fee. Bitch.
Erin: Ewww! You'd think a library would be a safe place to go. Next time (hopefully there won't be one), you should go all Borne Identity and whip out a high kick on perv-o, knocking him into the librarian, and say some cool line like, "Late fee, PAID, bitch!" Or...you know...something much cooler.
Amen to number 7! I teach my students to shake hands because there is nothing that says 'I am a spineless loser' like a limp hand-shake.
Post a Comment