How to Tell if Your Dog is an Asshole.
Chapter 1: Does Your Dog Look Like This?
You have many things to look forward to as an unwilling, embarrassed owner of an asshole dog. Things like, coming home to find your dog has raided your entire underwear drawer, and eaten all the good undies, leaving you with only granny panties, and that one pair with dinosaurs all over them which are completely uncool, but you're not about to throw them out now that you have no options, now are you? So stop asking!
Your asshole dog will also raid your landlords' compost heap, and then wake you up by licking you right on the mouth. Except your mouth was open, because, let's face it, you're one of those mouth-breathers, and now you have a weird piece of compost grit stuck in your teeth, and your boyfriend realllly doesn't want to kiss you.
Your asshole dog will also steal your belongings, and everyone else's belongings, run away with them despite your repeated shrieking, and then taunt you, a mere ten feet away, leaping just out of your grasp. He will do this with your purse, and your socks, or your friend's books or shoes. Anything he can get his jerk teeth around will fall prey to this behavior. Just as he tires of the game, he will make eye contact with you, drop the object, and pee on it.
Maybe it's your own fault, though. Remember that first car ride, when you held him in your lap and he looked up at you with those cute puppy eyes and then unleashed a massive pee flood? You should have turned around and brought him right back for a refund and an apology. But you didn't, did you? No, you thought I can train this little sucker. He'll be a star pooch!
But you were wrong. You were so wrong. Your dog is an asshole. And now everybody will think you are an asshole for keeping him. And here's the thing about asshole dogs: they are invincible. They can fall off cliffs, get hit by cars, whatever. Asshole never dies.
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