6 Out of 12 Ain't Bad

Lately I've been obsessed with hipsters and the amount of work it would take to make myself into one.  The answer, probably, is "A lot."  For one, hipsters are notoriously those size 0 women walking around in Salvation Army clothing that should be hideous, but isn't, because they're just so skinny, and let's face it:  things just look better on skinny bones.  At least...Salvation Army ugliness does.

Hipsters are those friends that are probably too cool to be your friends, or at least, they are the friends that enjoy knowing you think that.  They scoff at your consumerism and penchant for purchasing food with ingredients you can't pronounce.  They dress painstakingly casual; and more than likely spend hours trying to look like they just rolled out of bed, when I could almost instantaneously achieve the same results.
Obviously, I enjoy making fun of those tight-pant-wearing-Scenesters as much as the next person, but only because I secretly wish to be one of them.  Isn't that always how it works?
I'm the type of person that likes to set a plan.  Thus, I present: my step-by-step quest to be a Hipster.
I thought diet was the way to go, but as Mr. Herculodge pointed out: "...diets promote self-denial and going on a self-punishing diet is a sign of capitulating to the media’s tyrannical notions of what constitutes a pleasing body image."   Clearly, hipsters don't diet.  At this point, I turned entirely to Herculodge, as he gave 12 easily defined rules to the hipster diet.
Principle #1: Hipsters Don’t Go on Diets.  I am more than happy to adhere to this! "check!"
Principle #2: Hipsters Don’t Get Bloated.   *looks at belly and full glass of wine*  "Shit."
Principle #3: Thanksgiving Must Be Anti-Bloat and Anti-Traditional. *thinks back on past Thanksgiving, stressing over perfect vegan stuffing and then eating myself into oblivion*  "Double shit!"
Principle #4: Hipsters Don’t Get Punk-Fed by the Man.  As I said, they don't like poly-syllabic words on their ingredients.  *She wrote whilst shoving carrots into that stink-pot she calls a mouth*  "Check!"
Principle #5: Hipsters Only Eat Foods That Are Part of a Grand Pastoral Narrative.  This apparently means that hipsters mostly eat organic, locally grown shit that comes complete with pamphlets.  I'm all vegan and shopping at Whole Foods these days, so I think I've got this covered, as nearly everything in my house has some type of label on it, telling me of Guatemalan farmers laboring to bring me this delectable dark chocolate.  Thank you, Guatemala!  Mucho....appreciated.  "Check!"
Principle #6: Hipsters Only Eat While Conversing Or Reading.  *thinks of how easy brother makes this look, and then of all the food stains on my own books*  "Shit."
Principle #7: Hipsters Know Their Sushi.  Err....I know that I like it.  I know California rolls and I would be willing to do tricks to get my grubby paws on them!  "Check!...maybe."
Principle #8: Hipsters Grind Their Own Coffee Beans and Use a French Press.  "Air press!  That's like, double check, bitches!"

Principle #9: When It Comes to Setting the Table, Hipsters Favor Japanese or Swank.  *looks at messy game board pile that covers table*  "Hmm...shit."
Principle #10: Making Gourmet Comfort Food Is Ironic and Therefore Cool.  *Boyfriend takes this moment to point out new vegan alternatives for mac 'n cheese* "I'm so fucking THERE! CHECK!"
Principle #11: Hipsters Never, Ever Buy Store-Bought Salad Dressing.  *Stares longingly at bottles of salad dressing*  "Damn."
Principle #12: Hipsters Are Eating Contrarians.  YES!!!!!  Veganism is totally on my side!


Looks like I'm 50% hipster.  Just you wait, my friends.  Soon enough I'll be rolling my eyes, revelling in the ironic, and too skinny to see!  Give it time.