A Few Rules

Vow 1: Be pretty. Not for him, but because I am not a hippy and end up feeling all dumpy when hair is not brushed, clothing is rumpled, pimples apparent to the world and not an accessory in sight (for shame!). Also...so he knows what he's missing.

Vow 2: Exercise! Every day! Even if it's simply taking doggins for a walk. He needs it and you need those endorphins if you're gonna get through this.

fuck yes, vogue!

     Codicil: Vow 1 does not necessarily apply to Vow 2. Do NOT be the lady who wears makeup to cardio kickboxing. It's weird, and can't be good for her pores.
Exercise will aide with Vow 1, making me thin and pretty. I will be more confident, have more energy, and it will be a giant slap in the face to Mr.-I'm-Not-Attracted-to-You-Anymore. That guy is a jerk and will not stand in my way.

Vow 3: Try to say "yes" more often than "no." If your friend wants you to trek into the city on a rainy day to listen to some execrable slam-poetry, grab yourself some public transportation before you have a chance to think about how much you abhor slam-poetry. You will be happier if you are out of the house and strengthening friendships than you will be by staying home and attempting to put dreadlocks in your hair whilst watching Bridget Jones' Diary for the thousandth time.
Maybe consider putting Bridget Jones' Diary under lock and key for the time being.

Vow 4: Go to things that interest you regardless of if anyone else is willing to go. If there are classes to learn Madonna's "Vogue" dance for a future flash mob, put some fucking eye-liner on and GO. Don't let Mr.-I-Don't-Like-the-Things-You-Like stop you just because he's feeling snobbish towards Madge. He's a cloud hovering above your parade and wouldn't know how to vogue anyway.

Vow 5: Wake up by 7a.m. at the latest. That's just good sense. And staying up late every night watching Charles in Charge is making you sad. Charles was never in charge. Those kids didn't listen to a thing he said.

Vow 6: Consider canceling Netflix. Their recommendations are crap, anyway and you don't need to watch Dirty Dancing again ever for a little while.
Baby was in the corner. Baby got out of the corner. And they fucking nailed that lift!

nailed it.

Vow 7: Don't be so angry. Sometimes things end. Doesn't matter if you saw it coming or not. Endings are sad. Buck up and move on.
Mr.-You're-Not-My-Equal will find his equal and that'll hurt. Take comfort that his equal is nowhere near as awesome as you.
...And she probably can't vogue for shit.

In three months, give or take, I am going to be 29. And then I am going to stay 29, for the following seven years. I'm telling you this now, because it is possibly the last time you will get an honest answer from me, concerning my age. This morning, while attempting to drive safely on my commute and use the rear-view mirror, I instead noticed two frown lines between my eyebrows that WILL NOT GO AWAY, no matter how many times I scream at myself to relax, for the love of god relax! It's official: I've gotten old, and I don't intend to handle it well. It also signifies a time in my life when everyone around me seems to be tying the knot.
Rather than go crazy on Collin and ultimately drive him away, I've decided to list with you the many reasons why we, too, should get married.
1. We are great together. This is pretty cheesy and an awfully ordinary kind of reason, but it's true. We're better with each other than without.
2. He makes me take my medicine. It's no secret by now that I'm an entirely different person without that one or eight pills a day, but I think he is also a huge reason I've leveled out slightly this past year.
*This does not mean, however, that I'm not still bat-shit crazy. As evidenced, I fly off the handle at something as small as lack of ingredients for a Reuben, and even more disturbing, I know every single line, sigh, and gesture from Dirty Dancing. I also used to have the music soundtrack on cassette when I was little, which comprised one half of my music collection. The other half was Huey Lewis and the News, which is probably argument enough for Crazy-Ville.
3. His mother would finally be able to visit. Since I haven't discussed Diane before, I'll tell you the essential stuff right now. The woman is uber-religious. Which is usually reason enough for me to write someone off, but current circumstances make such drastic action impossible, not only because she is Collin's mother, but also because she is the nicest woman on earth. She is kind and welcoming and you would have no idea that behind that exterior is a Jesus-lovin loon. and I say "loon" in the kindest way possible. Unfortunately, not only is her oldest son far away in California, but he is also living in sin, and if current circumstances were to continue, he will not be allowed into the sweet hereafter with her. He will, instead, be sent to that special place reserved for murderers, traitors, and people who voted for Obama.
4. We need a Cuisinart food processor.