On How You Know You've Found the Right Man

Earlier this evening, the boyfriend received an email from me declaring: "The lady of the house wants ice cream for dinner!"
This was post-workout madness speaking (sorry Jillian Michaels), and since I didn't get a response, I assumed he allowed common sense to rule and ignored me.
A couple hours later, after I'd showered and simmered down a little, he arrived home with a grocery bag full of goodies.  Among said goodies were my 2 favorite kinds of ice cream.  "Because you said you wanted it."
My heart went all mushy.  But that might just be the cholesterol.

In Which I List Your Qualities

We've lived together over a year now, and it hasn't always been easy (like that time we broke up because you didn't want to spend 8 katrillion dollars on a comforter), but I like to think it has all been worth it.
In place of a birthday card, which I can't believe I forgot to get for you, I will give you, instead, a list.
What I've learned about you, who you are, what you do, what makes you tick.


1. You claim to hate it, but *if* The Bachelorette is on, and *if* you are sitting beside me, you more than participate in your fair share of yelling at the tv. I mean, my gawd, what is WRONG with that Kasey guy?

2. You hate Comic Sans. I mean, you really hate it. You would willingly tie it up to your car's back bumper, and do figure 8's around a sandy parking lot mid-day, in the dead of summer. Watch out, Papyrus, he's not too fond of you, either.

3. You definitely (don't even deny it) think lesbians are somehow smarter than the rest of us.

4. You will do just about anything for a laugh....or for an Apple product.

5. My gawd, do you love the smell of pizza places.

6. You talk to and about Watson more than I think you realize. I love how much you have bonded with him. It's always good to see a man and his dog together. Also, what isn't hilarious about when you pick up his back legs and pretend he's some kind of sub-machine gun?

7. You take Aikido very seriously, and I wonder if they know how much you practice. Your 1st kyu is going to be inspiring to watch.

8. You are one of the rare men that is willing to embarrass himself on a dance floor, just to make me happy.

9. You kind of sort of like the cat. Don't even play, you know it's true!

10. You are a loyal friend. I've never heard you tear anyone down. Instead, you love how each friendship makes you a better person.

11. You get misty-eyed when you talk about your brother, Mark, Ian, and Russ.

12. You are such a genuine pleasure. You are worth every broken dish, every crushed toe...everything.

I Lie for YOU

Do you remember your first lie?
Mine, I think went something like this:
"Are you sure you shut the hamster cage?"
"Yes."

God, it was so easy.  And then Houdini, my hamster, chewed his way through the wall in my bedroom, effectively setting up shop just above one of the outlets.  I was kept up many a night with his asshole nocturnal ways, but even that was occasionally comforting.
Lying was kind of nice.  I could do what I wanted, and not face any repercussions.

Never really occurs to you that nobody is fooled.  You really don't figure out for years that your parents were picking their battles.

"Why is there lettuce all over the floor?"
"Dunno."
"Are you sure you ate your salad?"
"Yup."
"Good.  Then you should have energy enough to clean the kitchen."

WHAT??

I read this article recently about why some people develop into nearly chronic liars, and some people take an entirely different path and *gasp!* just tell the truth.  It had something to do with your first memory of lying.  If you got away with it and had a generally positive experience, or if you didn't and faced punishment.
The person they used as an example of having a bad first experience told this story of how she was listening in on her sister's phone conversation and was caught in the act by her dad.  She told her dad she was just cleaning the phone, and surprise, surprise!  She got sent to her room.
I know (I know!) I should have taken more away from that story.  Instead, I merely thought, "You idiot! You could have said you were gonna make a call and didn't know someone else was on the phone!"
Clearly, I had a positive experience with lying.
The more you do it, the easier it is, the article attested.  Like murder.
They used murder as an equivalent to some harmless lies!!

I hoped there would be some 12 step program listed, on how to become an entirely honest person.  There wasn't.  Instead, you just have to stop.
It's hard.

I don't think I lie much these days....but there are times.  And they are always prompted by this sense that I'm not getting enough out of life.  In order to keep people from feeling pity for me, my impulse is to lie.  "What did you do this weekend?"
Should I tell them the truth, "Sat around, mostly.  Talked to the dog.  Had a fight with my boyfriend."
Or....should I brighten their days?
"Ran Bay to Breakers and WON!  Then, at the finish line, I kissed Robert Downey Jr., and he confessed his love for me, and we got married on top of Kilimanjaro."
Who doesn't like a good story?
Even if you DO have to clean the kitchen at the end of it.