Why People Aren't Allowed to Touch Me

Things that make my skin shrivel:


1. snooty comic book store clerks. Because obviously you are the only person that has ever read comics. ever. That's why there's this store. Just for you, and your vast knowledge. Jerk-off.

2. Bad manners. I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you are over the age of 10 and you still can't wrap your mind around saying please and thank you, then you are just not worth my time. At least phrase your demands as questions, and maybe I'll consider not spilling my water on your sandwich. oops.

3. When I wish you a happy this or a merry that, just friggin say thank you. Don't sigh and commence to put me through a battery of loyalty tests to see how much merriment I really wish you. Because when you're all done, my wishes will be much reduced.

4. Hold the door! If I'm right behind you, at least tap it open with your foot. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize the queen was in town. You uppity b*tch.

5. Don't claim that just because you're so many years old, you can't change. That's bullshit. You can change. you can turn off the faucet when you brush your teeth. You can demonstrate some civility. At least start by demonstrating some honesty and confess that you just don't want to change.

6. STOP WITH ALL THE NOSE-PICKING!  I know I joke about it from time to time, but I left that behind me in grade school, and so should you!  If I see one more person jabbing a pointer up there on my commute, I will hit you with my car.  And then the inspection!  Do you honestly think you're going to come up with gold?  A tissue, at least, is more hygienic.

7.  Shake like a man.  Enough of the dead fish or the limp wrist.  When did the country go all sissy on me?  I remember being told before interviews to always give a good, firm shake, as a demonstration that I am someone to be taken seriously.  How do you wish to be regarded, Mr. Limp Fish?

8. No more cat calls.  Unless your intention really was to make me feel like a slut just for dropping off my FedEx packages.  If so, then job well done, you piece of shit.


Sorry for that, everyone.  Tuesday has assaulted me, and I in turn have assaulted you.  Maybe I should have said please first.

At least today will end in pizza and celebrations, and likely take a major turn for the awesome.