Misery in 6 Ounces

I HATE yogurt. The only thing I hate worse than regular yogurt, is soy yogurt, which is the crap I have banished myself to forever, having adopted a vegan diet. I don't care how you dress it up, the stuff is disgusting, and I'm gagging by the 2nd bite. Even after shoving as much granola as I can fit into its 6oz container, there is no disguising the horror that is soy yogurt.
First off, the stuff is GREY. That right there is reason enough to start retching. Once you've gotten over the look of it, give it a sniff...that is, unless the color hasn't already sent you running for the bathroom. Smell that? Oh yeah, the sweet unmistakable stench of bean curd, thinly veiled with some fake fruit that wouldn't even trick my idiot of a dog.

Here's something else: although I've never actually witnessed a commercial for soy yogurt, I've seen enough commercials for the regular kind to develop a thorough anger towards all advertisers. Why oh why do they always depict skinny women talking about their diets? This makes me want to smash the tv, not buy their product. Maybe for once they could show a woman a little (or a lot) above weight choking down eating yogurt, and talking about how much diets suck. THAT'S somebody I'd like to hear from!
Lastly, the only person I know that not only enjoys soy yogurt, but actually enjoys its most putrid flavor (peach) is a man. MY man. And unless he had some sex operation (HE DIDN'T!!), they're advertising to the wrong damn people! Seriously, show some beautiful, blue-eyed man in his Aikido uniform scarfing down soy yogurt as though it were NOT vomit-inducing, and maybe then they'd have a more accurate depiction of their target group.

So why am I eating it? Why am I putting myself through this misery? Because I have yet another friggin wedding to go to in a little over 3 weeks, and I'm determined to out-shine the bride I'll be DAMNED if my upper arm continues to waggle in a strong breeze!
There's another idea for a real commercial: a horrible future wedding guest choking down grey goop and desperately avoiding all strong winds.